What does consent really mean?

Sex and consent

The content of this webpage was abridged from one created by Brook and republished with permission. You can view the original page at https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/sex-and-consent/.

Consent means agreeing to do something. When it comes to sex, this means agreeing to have sex or engage in sexual activity. Find out about why consent is important during sexual activity.

What is consent? To consent means to agree to something, and the word can be used in lots of different situations. When it comes to sex specifically, to consent means to agree to have sex or engage in sexual activity.

What is sexual activity? Sex or sexual activity can include kissing, sexual touching, oral, anal and vaginal sex with a penis or with any other type of object.

It’s important that everyone involved in sexual activity is consenting at all times – no one should ever feel they have to do something they are not comfortable with or don’t want to do. Just because you have consented to one thing doesn’t mean you have consented to something else, and it’s completely OK to say no or stop at any point if you don’t want to continue.

What does the law mean by freedom and full capacity?

When the law uses the words ‘freedom’ and ‘capacity’ in relation to consent, it is talking about someone being able to agree to sexual activity with full understanding of what they are agreeing to, and no pressure to say ‘yes’.

Another way of thinking about it is consent is someone saying ‘yes’ only when they REALLY mean ‘yes’ because it is something they genuinely want to do. This is sometimes called ‘enthusiastic consent’.

There are situations where someone might not be able to give consent because they don’t have the freedom or capacity to do so. For example, a person might be too drunk or high to understand what is happening, asleep or unconscious, pressured or coerced into sexual activity, unable to withdraw consent (e.g. if they can’t communicate clearly) or if they are under the age of consent. You can find out more about these situations on the Brook website.

Who does consent affect?

The short answer: everyone.

Everyone needs to know about consent so they can keep themselves and other people safe. It is important for everyone to understand what it means to give and get consent, not only because anyone could experience sexual activity against their will, but because everyone also has the potential to engage in sexual activity with someone who might not want to if they don’t understand how to navigate consent.

The important thing to remember is that whatever way you choose to have sex, you always need consent from all people involved. Always, every time and throughout every encounter.

You should never be pressured into or subjected to sexual activity that you don’t want to do. Just as you always need to seek consent from other people, you should always have your own consent sought, and you always have the right to withhold or withdraw consent.

How to apply ‘consent’ to real life

The subject of consent is often approached quite simplistically as a matter of ‘yes’ and ‘no’. However, this rarely matches up with people’s experiences. Similarly, understanding and defining sexual violence often relies on the extreme distinctions of ‘consensual sex’ or ‘rape’, when in reality situations can feel more complicated than this. Find out more about different types of sexual violence.

Even though applying consent to your own life can feel complicated, there are some ways of thinking about it that are straightforward and always true:

• • It doesn’t matter what your relationship with someone is, how far into a sexual situation you get or how far you’ve gone with them before, you always have the right to change your mind and stop at any time. It’s up to the other person to respect that.
  • Any sort of sexual activity without consent is illegal whatever the age of the people involved and whatever their relationship.
  • It’s simple. You can stop sexual activity at any time, and this doesn’t just have to be by saying the words ‘no’ or ‘stop’. Consent is more than just a ‘yes’ or ‘no’ in the moment, and requires verbal and physical communication before, during and after sexual activity. Find out more about how to give and receive consent.

Getting help

If someone forces you to do something sexual that you do not want to do, it is never your fault and it is not OK. If this has happened to you, you should speak to someone you trust to get help and support and report what has happened.

• • Speak to a trusted adult
  • Help from sexual health services
  • Other sources of help and support

Urgent help

If you (or someone you know) are experiencing or at risk of sexual abuse, assault or violence, you can call 999 for an ambulance, the police or any other emergency service  any time of day or night if it is safe for you to do so.

The 999 emergency number covers all of the UK and is free to call from any phone.

The content of this webpage was abridged from one created by Brook and republished with permission. You can view the original page at https://www.brook.org.uk/your-life/sex-and-consent/.

Our goal?

The core principle of Curriculum for Life is to respond to the request from young people that they are better connected to information and support that will help them navigate a range of issues as they navigate their path into adult life. In line with our quality assurance process, this article has been co-created with young people as well as assured by experts in the field, as well as other relevant stakeholders to ensure this information is appropriate and up to date.

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